Alive

As I am staring at the computer screen sitting on the table in my small apartment, I can’t help noticing its dusty and old appearance. Through its existence, it is clear that I do coexist somehow in this plane, a dimension which makes me visible and touchable in the ways of sense experiences.

My existence is a priori since that doesn’t need empirical explanation, but the relationship between I and the computer screen is a posteriori since that is a gained experience.

Oh yes, I know. I am getting old.

Recently, I’ve read almost all of Banana Yoshimoto’s books. They inspire me in a great deal. But the more I am into my own finding on meaning of life through books—mostly literature and philosophy—the more I become detached to my physical surrounding. The more I see myself by slowly tearing apart my mental restraints, the more I become distasteful in societal standards.

My thinking becomes way off, you see.

If someone says something to me, I can’t help asking an obnoxious question, “Why?”

Why is that? Why do I/we have to do this? Why it is predetermined to be such? Why isn’t there a reasonable explanation rather than a protocol to be followed by everyone? Why do you believe that? Why am I expected to believe that? Why all these nonsense/wastes have become societal consumption?

I am not smart. Not at all. But I am definitely not a pessimistic and sad person. The truth is I can’t just absorb what is fed.

I can’t regard things merely as they are. I am more skeptic than ever. Most importantly, I ask so many questions in my own little head. It sounds nuts, right?

But the force somewhere inside me—which probably in my head—is so vigorous that I can no longer resist, but ask myself countless questions.

Questions about things. Things around me. Things those are near or far. Things unreachable. Things that are categorized. Things with or without purpose. Things about this whole thing.

I simply can’t let them go, can I?

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For some reason if this became my last post on this sketch book, which I desperately hope not, I would like to thank my grandmother for the first reason why I started it, and my fish for many other great things happened in it.